My Friend's Kid
One of the couples in my friend group had a kid last year. Now that the kid is able to walk around (mostly) on his own, they bring him to parties and to hang out. Everyone loves seeing him. We all collectively watch him, taking turns holding him or playing with him. The kid is super relaxed. He laughs and plays and I've only really seen him cry once or twice in the dozens of times I've seen him now.
Every time I see him, I can't help but smile. I'm so happy to see the little guy and when he recognises me and motions for me to pick him up, it really makes me happy. But just the other day, we were hanging out and I had a sad thought: Maybe I'm so happy to see the kid because this is the closest I'll ever get to having a kid of my own. That I'm almost living vicariously through the parents. Seeing the kid. Playing with him. Watching him grow. It's what I've always wanted but I'll never have. And now I just feel like a freak. A sad freak. Reminded always of my position in life: alone.
I'm trying so hard. It's just not up to me. That's what hurts the most about my predicament. The things I want the most in life are things I can't get myself, they have to be given to me by others. Others need to be convinced to give them to me. And I'm just not attractive persuasive enough.
Yours Truly,
[Redacted]