Motivation 404
There are exams I should be preparing for to advance my career. In the field of [redacted], there are exams you can take to earn licenses/certifications/etc. Some you need to have for higher roles, some are just CV builders. I have none.
My boss recommend that I study for a major exam. It will be months of studying. Months of day in, day out, reviewing textbooks and practice exams and... boredom. I don't live the most exciting life by any means, but to give up what little I do enjoy to focus on studying just seems to be the worst possible prospect. Am I really going to turn down game night so I can study? Or trips with my friends? Or even just going to the gym regularly? But I feel like I can't do everything and still have time to study enough for the exam, unless I want to spend 5 hours a week studying for the next 9 months.
I just have no motivation to take the exams. Yes, they would be good for my career. But my career is in a fine spot as it is. I have no ambitions (perhaps this needs its own post). I am content where I am. I enjoy the work I do. I like to think I'm good at it. And so I see no reason to move into something different.
But perhaps that's just a post hoc rationalization of my laziness. I don't want to work hard on studying, so I justify it by telling myself that I don't actually want to take the exam in the first place. How much of my life is constructed in this way? I took a personality test and actually had to laugh at the results. In more or less words, it called me an 'underachiever' and I couldn't agree more. I was always 'bright'. I worked hard in school. I got a good job. But I only ever did what was asked of me. I was not inventive. I was not creative. And as such, I fell right into the role of 'drone'. I'm a good drone. And like any good drone, I have no ambitions of being anything more.
I don't know where to find motivation. Like anything, I'm sure it's part internal and part external. Internally, I have very little. I can't even really understand how people have any. Externally, I also have very little. But I can at least imagine what it would be like. Like having a loving family who relies on you. Or working in an industry you think is actually doing good for the world. Or even the motivation of fear could work. Being afraid that you won't make rent if you don't work hard and put in overtime. But I don't have any of those. So I remain unmotivated.
Yours Truly,
[Redacted]