I want Faith
Why am I gonna get up tomorrow (today, it's after midnight) and work? I'm just a cog. I, who am made in God's image. Wasting a gift of indescribable scale. On what? NOTHING. "A mind is a terrible thing to waste". Well how about a life? Or worse, a soul. I'm a mockery of God's image. He gave me everything. Why? So I could waste it all and return to the nothingness from which I came. So I could know His power, know His path, know my potential. And watch as my life strays further and further from Him and away from what I long for. Driven by the powers of evil and temptation. Unsatisfied. Unsalvageable. Unprepared for the end of days. The things I want most I see no chance of attaining. Not greedy things like money or power. But community, family, love, a sense of accomplishment. A legacy. Not for fame. But for the future of my people. Giving due thanks to God and exalting Him as He so guides me. Raising the future to do the same.
I feel like I can't even talk to God. I mean, I can, and I do, but I just... it makes me want to cry. I want to have faith. I want to have that relationship with the Creator. I want to have the certainty that I am doing His will. That He will protect me until my time has come in His plans. That what I believe, I believe because He has led me this way. To truth, and light, and away from the evil, and dark. But I just can't. I don't feel it. No matter how much I try.
And so I'm left feeling like a godless fool, leading a life of pain for nothing. For no reward at the end. Having no legacy on earth or in the afterlife. Just inevitable eternity of nothing. It makes me so afraid. It makes me shiver with fear. I want to curl up and cry.
Yours Truly,
[Redacted]