Cry of Shame
I am full of contradictions (as indicated in this post). One in particular I have noticed is my attitude toward crying, even more specifically, being in the presence of others crying. I can be both very sensitive to seeing people cry and also sometimes autistically immune to being affected.
Maybe I shouldn't admit this, but when my parents had to put our dog down, I didn't cry. It was sad. He was struggling for weeks and he couldn't even stand up anymore. My parents were so devastated. I was sad, but I didn't cry like they did. I liked my dog. And I'll miss him. But it just didn't hurt me as much as them. I guess because I didn't have too much interaction with him. My parents would see him every day.
Maybe I'm just a heartless jerk, but it didn't move me that much. I understood the situation. And didn't feel like my shedding tears would be of any use. I went and spent a few minutes with him. Said some prayers. Gave him a goodbye. But I didn't cry.
I had a moment when I was eating lunch with my mom. Sitting across from her. She started saying how they were gonna put the dog down and she started tearing up. I just looked at her. And saw it happening. And in that moment I wondered what I should do. I didn't know if I should let my own tears flow, or to stay unfazed. In the end I just remained unmoved and said "Ok" as I got up to put my dishes away. Maybe I'm a monster for not saying more. Or expressing different emotions. Idk anymore, it's all so tiresome.
Then other times, seeing someone cry, even a stranger, or even someone in a movie, can get me misty-eyed. I can't help myself but to start to well up tears and start to let them roll down. Not sobbing. Not bawling, just crying. I've had times where even a song has brought me to tears. Be it the contents of the lyrics, or some particular memory I associate the song with.
I haven't been able to figure out what causes one reaction or the other in me. Seems like a coin flip as to where I land on the empathy scale at the time.
Yours Truly,
[Redacted]